Thursday, October 27, 2011

John Wayne's Teeth Hey-ya

I've been kicking around the idea of manliness lately. Had a few discussions of it with friends and with Grey (who has by now been elevated to boyfriend status and is pretty amazing in case you wondered).

There is really only one or two requirements to be a man. Either have that genetic combination or have a penis or perhaps maybe a hermaphroditic condition. That's pretty much it in the mammalian world. Behavior doesn't really have much to do with it. Except in humans.

Now we have this wild, wild West idea of manliness that seems to center on heterosexuality, Rock Hudson and John Wayne. Don Draper from Mad Men is a more current example, as a booze-swilling, chain smoking, smooth talking woman seducer. Manly men chew tobacco, wear the accoutrement of their trade and settle arguments with their fists. At the end of the day the one with the biggest horse, penis or gun was the winner.

Not really necessary in this day and age. First off, homosexuality is more commonly accepted and recognized in our culture. Yes, even in Oklahoma- take it from your wild Okie. Therefore, manliness doesn't have to be a hetero phenomena and Rock Hudson in this case can rest easy in his grave as a manly man. Also, large physically aggressive men aren't as necessary since we killed all of the indigenous people and litigated the shit out of the neighbors and our arguments are now settled in courtrooms. So that does away with the necessity of brutishness. Booze-swilling and chain smoking are no longer acceptable since we American women saw our parents pay the price and now we desire men who eat well and watch their vices. cocaine is alright, just not too much vodka. Ok, cocaine isn't really ok either. That leaves smooth talking. Interesting.

I propose that we- ok, I- come up with a new standard of what it means to be manly. I propose the following criteria, for men of all sexual preferences:
First, manly men need to be vegetarians. This will be a huge step in not only greater physical health, but also will conserve the environment and reduce all of our carbon footprints. Very, very sexy.
Next, manly men should learn to use their words. A sibilant word dripping from manly lips goes a lot farther than clubbing a woman over the head. Speak love in a lover's ear and she/he is yours forever. Or at least the night.
Real manly men know how to use their...talents. A woman (or partner as the case may be) really likes to be listened to and she wants to feel special and beautiful. If you can do this, if you as a man can appreciate your partner, then you have truly done your manly duty.
Simply, finally, you have just got to think of your partner's orgasm prior to your own. I am not willing to explain that. Figure it out.

We live in a digital and technologically advanced society. Really, the old concepts of manliness revolved around necessity- shooting and working and doing the right things. Now we need you men to step up in a different way. Not a less important way, just one that responds to the needs of the planet and to your partner as the world changes. Parents, teach this to your children.

Oh, and go back and read that last recommendation again.

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