iResolve

It's that time of year when I renew and make new my resolutions for the coming year.  Usually, I have resolutions (or goals if you want to call them that)  related to personal growth, some for health and some for education.  That's not really by design, but it is what I notice I tend to do.  A lot of times, these espouse and advance the values I hold dear.

And no, I don't have any advice involving how to make or keep a New Year's Resolution.  There is no real trick to it- you just think what would I like to accomplish by this time next year? Is that reasonable?  Is it worth working towards? Then you decide if you want to do it or not.  If you want inspiration towards making a reasonable, attainable goal, look here.  Or here.

In long discussion with Grey- without whom I could not do this one- I want to eat vegan twice weekly. Being a vegetarian isn't such a bum deal.  You can still eat ice cream and butter and cheese.  These are a whole food group for me.  But if you resolve to eat vegetarian twice weekly, you'll be doing your body and the planet a real favor.  If I had my way about it, Grey and I would both do a juice fast on Mondays like I used to.  It resets the digestive clock and for me was a way to even out my system.  But the vegan idea is a great one too.  Good for health and great for the environment.  It's easy to eat terribly as a vegetarian or vegan.  After all, all the oil you want is available, as are most candy bars and soda pops.  So the addendum here is healthy vegan.

*****In the interest of honesty, it should be said that I'm an incidental vegetarian.  I don't like meat much, except some seafood.  If you get me around my sister Patti and my brother in law, I'm likely to make myself sick on all the crab meat they give me.  Did I mention that they got a new boat over the holiday?  Super YUM!  But seriously, I don't want to be a hypocrite. I do like some meat and do occasionally eat it.  With butter and lemon.****

I'm going to take a personal enrichment class- at least one.  Either it will be a craft class, painting, cooking (ohhh, there's an idea!) or language.  I could really use a french class.  No reason. It's not like my last name means "God" in french or anything.  Last year Grey and I took a yoga class.  It was a wonderful way to connect with each other, to practice and to share an experience.  And it was fun.  I wonder how dangerous it would be if we both took a cooking class.

I'd also like to be more active in the spiritual part of my life.  We are attending the Unitarian Church here and like it a lot.  In fact, today we sat by Bo and Bee, whose last name also started with a "B".  They celebrated 65 years together this week. Their glasses and hair cuts match stylishly, and their trench coats were coordinated.  They wouldn't stop talking to us during the service but I don't think anyone minded because they are hilarious.  I'm glad to be part of a community which doesn't espouse dogma and which encourages people of faith to share and strengthen that faith.  Incidentally, the UU people also sponsor the vegetarian society in Ellensburg and share space with the Quakers.  In any case, I like the people and think we could do some good in the community.  If you're not familiar with the Unitarians, let's just say that it's a conglomeration of several faiths and those who really don't ascribe to one.  There is no real "preaching", and it's a welcoming community.  The central themes revolve around social justice, equity and freedom.  And drinking coffee.  Coffee is also a vegan beverage.  Two of the leaders in the church are vegan; one is retired and the other is the head of the Computer Science department at Central.  They have a geodesic dome house on a couple of acres.  It's solar panel equipped and mostly self-sustaining.  Ok, I'm committed to walking to work every day (even in the snow!), but I'm not sure I'll ever get to that level of awesome.  I will, however, save a ton of money on gas.

I'm not so sure about my next one, but here goes: I'd like to walk a marathon this year.  My knees and hips won't let me run one, but I could definitely walk 26.2 miles.  My problem is that I need someone to commit to doing this with me, either in person or virtually.  Interested? Email me!

I think that about covers it for this year. I'll stay committed to good health and kindness, working my ass off for causes I believe in and general trying to be a good person, family member and stuff like that.

Do you have something to say about New Year's Resolutions?  Share in the comments- what do you do for resolutions- or what do you dislike about them?

Revise. Re-vision. Envision. And Compromise

Last Friday I had a meeting with my advisor about my dissertation revisions.  Before I talk about that, let me back up a bit.

Normally what people do is take their general exams, then if they pass they write a prospectus.  Once the prospectus clears, then they write a dissertation.  The dissertation goes first to the advisor, then there is a revision.  Then it goes to the committee as a "reading copy" and a month later, the committee meets with the candidate and it's defended.  Successful or no, that's how it goes. It usually takes 3-500 semesters.

I defended my general exams last semester.  This semester I wrote and defended my prospectus. I also wrote my dissertation. One hundred-ninety pages to be exact. It's not perfect; it needs work.  Nothing I couldn't do in a week.  Seriously.

So I met with my advisor.  And he said it's the feeling of the committee that I need more time with the material.  He gave me some ideas.  I respect those ideas; they are good advice.  But nothing I couldn't do in a week and I could have gotten them to my advisor and the committee in time to defend this semester.  But it's not to be.  I wasn't really told why; I'll have to make an inference that two semesters isn't cool with the committee as far as graduating with a good product (the dissertation) is concerned.

I am disappointed.  I wanted to finish up and be done.  But graduating over the summer won't be a big deal. I can still, if I want to, do the hooding ceremony at graduation.  I can still get a job if I'm sure to be done by August.

It seems to be the year I learn to compromise, and to figure out which things are my principles and which are my ego.  Rather than looking at this as failure- I did everything I knew to do- I'd rather look at it from the standpoint of working with the world as it is rather than as I wish it to be.  I'm a work in progress.  Maybe I can have patience with me too.

Housekeeping

Luke moved out today. He'd slowly been moving stuff over the last week or so and today he took the last two loads of stuff. I don't like the ends of relationships- so awkward. I think that Luke was planning to stay until October but just sort of changed his mind. The last thing he took was his dog, Mia. That's the only point at which I felt like crying.
I'd planned to spend the day working on a presentation for Curriculum Theory class over Henry Giroux. He is responsible for the idea of radical pedagogy, is still living and was a contemporary of my hero, Paulo Freire. I ended up rescheduling. What I did instead was call and text my girlfriends. Cathy came over, of course, and she brought her dogs and we all went to the dog park and hiked the three miles and sorted through issues of life, the universe and everything together. I called my sister Patti too, and my mom and other good friends just to ask for a little moral support. And they have given generously of their time and energy today. Much love, friends. <3
I spent the rest of today cleaning house. I mean dinging and slinging and throwing stuff out and moving furniture and vacuuming and generally sweeping and mopping and caring for my home. I was caring for me too. I took a scrubber to the inside of my eyes, sprayed Windex in my ears and cleaned out some of my psychic muck. I took on the living room, two bedrooms, the carpets and the front porch. I also swept out my feelings and allowed a few moments to just slump in a chair, have a cup of coffee and be quiet. I fed myself and worked myself out from the tight winding of the last few weeks of living in the same domicile with an ex and I feel both physically tired and emotionally unwound.
This is a good thing; it's not healthy to keep things bottled inside. The season is changing and we begin our descent from sweltering days to harvest and turning leaves towards winter, the time of the defiant. I have much to do this semester. We're five weeks in and I have another 11 to go if I'm to stay on track and graduate in the Spring. I'm still not sure how I'm going to break after that, but my opportunities have opened up. My head space and my living space are less cluttered and I am lucky once again. This time it's because the relationship ended on a "no harm, no foul" note.
Tomorrow I will get back on track. I'm resisting the urge to feel guilty. Soon, I will pull out my warm sweaters and hunker down for the winter to wait for a time of renewal and growth. Until then, I'll just sit still and lick my wounds.

Wisdom

I was asked a question recently about being a graduate student. I became a grad student in 2002 and have pretty much lived in that mode ever since. Did I have any wisdom about living this life? Did I have something to pass on? The implicit question was much more like "how do you live on next to nothing and still concentrate on studying with an empty stomach and the threat of not having a place to live the next month?"

First a disclaimer: I'm not wise. Yeah, no. I run around most of the time finding the parameters of my world by bumping into things, stubbing my toes and occasionally, unknowingly, breaking glass ceilings. I think that last part is imaginary or wishful but hey, it's my blog.

But I do have some reflections on being a graduate student, if you'd like that. I'm getting pretty good at it. And by now I owe the government more than I could possibly pay back. The writing is worth something though.

First, you have to pick a profession. If you're doing a master's, you can be sort of fast and loose. Professional writing is close to English is close to English Education. At the master's level, much can be forgiven. And it's easy to take cross-curricular courses. Take things you like along with things you have to take. And don't be a morning person. Nobody likes a sunny bitch. I try to never be anywhere before 10 a.m. For the first year of my doctoral degree, I taught late in the mornings and then took my grad classes at night- the last one got out at 10 p.m. If this doesn't sound like fun, you may be an overachiever.

Make sure you look at the gradweb website- this is the line in the sand for the graduate college. The graduate college is run by people outside of your discipline who enforce rules set down by someone else outside of your discipline. Pleading, threatening and bribery don't work: I suggest you pick a strong advisor and sick them on the college. And meet every single deadline, or else.

Coffee is my friend. I've been sucking bean since I was 11 years old. I can still remember the shaking in my hands and the pulsing of caffeine through my body and every nerve ending sang an electric Bob Marley Star-Spangled wail. There was nothing like that feeling. It helps me to contextualize my studies. If I'm drinking coffee when I read or write or discuss a particular topic, it's likely that I'll remember it later when I need to; and it's likely that I'll be drinking coffee then too. For instance, I took a thermos of fresh-roasted nicaraguan with a bright high taste to every one of my statistics lecutres. I had a cup this morning when we met as a group to work on our final project. I would argue that smell and taste memory helped my recall as much as having my friend Tracy sitting next to me while we worked. Of course, this means that I can never give it up. Ever. EVER.

Poverty is as cultural as it is economic. This is true. Most of my students think I'm a middle class white chick. Some who have little or no experience in the world think I might come from a well-educated Northeastern family. It's hard to tell that I grew up very poor and that I continue to live a slightly lower middle class existance. I had to teach myself the culture and lifestyles of the middle class in order to assimilate. For instance, where I'm from, we say "Did you get enough to eat?" and that's a hallmark of a poverty-class family. Getting enough to eat means there has been bounty- either in hunting, fishing, gardening or from just plain hard work for money. In the middle class, you might be asked how something tasted. There will be more detail on quality and spices than on quantity since it's more often taken for granted that there *will* be something for supper. In affluent classes, the empahsis is on presentation and style- do the settings look right and was there a visual component that appealed to the diner?

The culture of a graduate student is one who exists often between those classes. We appear one way- as aspiring intellectuals who eschew worldly concerns like paying bills and tending to the care of our families, homes and lives. These things are rarely if ever drawn into conversation with one's professors and even among other graduate students. Funny how the person with whom you take so many classes never told you that they have children, or that they had to move because they couldn't afford the rent where they lived anymore or that because there is little available in the way of health insurance, they can't go to a chiropractor and that their teeth are slowly rotting out of their head. But at home and with families, the shroud of mystery surrounds and alienates the student. We have to fill our other roles as providers, housecleaners, dog walkers, child nose-blowers, and care givers to our families regardless of their composition. And we worry. We worry constantly about money, about schedules about paying bills and paying student loans and if we're ever going to to on vacation again. Our significant others may wonder when the economic nightmare is going to end even if they are completely supportive of your ideals. It just takes a toll after awhile. You become schizophrenic- swarming any seminar on campus that gives away free pizza during the week and then being expected to whip out some specialized vocabulary and insight into solving the world's problems at dinner parties on the weekends. My strategy is to find a sugar daddy who can afford to take you out to dinner once in awhile. I'll let you know how that works out. In the meantime, it's top ramen half of the time and greek yogurt when I can afford it.

I save money on groceries and things in a number of ways. Some even help the environment. It's way cheaper to roast your own coffee than to buy it in the store. I shop the farmer's markets and am growing my own garden- this experiment might be good or bad. I'll keep you posted. I buy frozen rather than canned food for the nutritional value and the cost. I cook at home a lot and eat out less- never eating fast food. Fast food is gross. Eww... but that's a post for another day. Plus, I'm becoming a decent cook. Poor Luke isn't a vegetarian so he's stuck living off of salsa and avocados. I do offer to try meat but I make this yuckyface when I eat meat and I think he finds it unpleasant. Oh well, tofu-bacon it is. There are free days for lots of activities, like the Okc Museum, Fred Jones Museum of Art, the zoo and many other places. If you're cute, you can also talk your way in for free. Ahem....so I hear.

Oh, and if you are lucky enough to get a graduate assistantship that teaches, be careful. They make assumptions about my salary, my position at the university, about who I might be (sometimes that's the red-haired bride of Satan), and how they hell they can get the best grade out of me. I'm lucky to be a teacher of some years. I don't run into the same problems as my younger and less experienced counterparts. Although I do very much like to bounce my student challenges off on others. Don't get me wrong; I get stumped just as often as anyone else. They're just more technologically and intrinsically stupider difficulties with teaching.

There are a lot of distractions at home. First off, lose the cable bill. I haven't had cable for 13 years now. I like television. No, I love television. When Luke moved in, he brought a 56" big screen television. We use it from time to time to watch Netflix. If I have cable, I won't do my homework. But I know I shouldn't bring my homework home anyway because there are too many lovely distractions here. I have to clean the cat box. I need to walk the dogs. The garden won't weed itself. The dishes are dirty; I can't possibly do that research paper while dust gathers in the inner corner of the liquor cabinet! Augh!

Oh yeah, and about summer and winter breaks: you don't get paid during them if you're a grad assistant. It sucks, but put back money and be regimented about it. I'm lucky to get a summer class to teach. Of course, I'm crazy enough to take 3 classes and teach 5 and take three in the summers. For the spring semester my load was equivalent to about 24 hours. The norm for English students is 12. And I still got all A's. However, I wouldn't recommend this to anyone who has a significant other of any kind. Luke would help me with things just to be able to spend time with me. Once he wrote out all of my household bills and I just signed the checks. I have no idea if they were right but everything got paid on time.

One of the most important parts of grad school is having a hobby, preferably related to physical activity. Seems counter-intuitive to engage in activities not pertinent to adcademe, but believe me, this will save your sanity. I run and do yoga. I walk my dog. I keep a blog and am writing to my grandma every week since she's in a nursing home. Training a mind in only one direction may seem like a good thing, but it's the diversity of existance that will ensure survival when the insanity of end of semester work kicks in. And walk away for a week every semester to clear your head and rejuvenate, even if it's just to go camping. Just trust me on this one.

The best thing a new graduate student can do is find balance. Balance between interesting studies and a personal life separate from work. Balance between starvation and overabundance. Between giving everything you've got to your studies and everything you've got to your other obligations and finding time for yourself. Balance between chateau briand and buttered rice. Between friends who understand exactly the context of what you say when you're discussing the intricacies of progressive era politics and education a possible future for teaching in the U.S. And before you know it, you'll be standing in a silly, floppy hat with a diploma, wondering what the hell you're going to do next.

Hey, got a question? Some topic you'd like me to write about? Shoot me a text at mindied@gmail.com