Don't Be A Hooker

My grandma once told me that the only thing I'd need to go out on a date is an aspirin. "Hold it between your knees until you get home", said my sweet apple pie loving Grandma. "Don't be a hooker", added my sister.

One of my facebook friends posted a link to a comedian who discusses his experience dating women and getting frustrated at the lack of clear signals. He was making out with a woman and she stopped him twice from touching her rather intimately, but the next day asked why they didn't have sex. Apparently, she likes it when a guy won't take no for an answer.

Huh? I don't get it. Give a guy signals in the hopes that he ignores what you're telling him. So that you can feel as though you're living dangerously? Is that somehow normal? If so, in what universe? How does this help men to know what normal is when they're dealing with women and sex?

There were some comments about how difficult it is for men to date women in Oklahoma. It must be rough. I wonder if it isn't a cultural thing. Maybe an American thing. Maybe just a grown up thing. Maybe a gender thing.

The way women and men communicate is vastly different. Tons of research says that men talk to solve problems and women talk to feel better. That's the shorthand version anyway. Luke and I both know this and when I just want to talk and he's solving problems that don't really exist I just ask him to listen and that's his job. I just have to clearly ask for what I want. I used to assume that the other person would just know that about me. I mean, hey, if you love me, you'll be able to tell what's wrong, right?

Noooo. It's my job to clearly communicate my expectations. Otherwise, resentment will consume me and my partner will be both baffled and angry at my crazy behavior. "Why are you upset?" "Oh, like you don't know!" "Uh, nope. Sure don't." I had that conversation over a hundred times before I realized that the fella(s) in question really didn't know what the hell I was talking about. And it's not because they're dumb.

I might be in a relationship now but I spent several years in Oklahoma dating guys and trying to be a better person about it. At first, I didn't know what to think and the men I dated didn't know what to think about me. I don't like make up much and don't paint my fingernails. My hair/soul is allergic to cute bows. I have a job, I'm well educated (a little overly educated) and speak my mind. I have a lot of self confidence and regularly engage in intellectual discourse. I also paid for dinner/drinks/coffee about half of the time. You know why? It's only fair. I think of myself as equal and that means that I don't mind ponying up for the pleasure of a guy's company. And it lets me out of the dinner-for-sex scheme.

Men reacted in three ways. First, they were upset. I had a guy end our date when I paid for our wine. He took it as an affront to his manhood. Well, best to know that up front and part ways without wasting time. The second way was to pretend he was indulging my feminist sensibilities. It's not a cute oddity or quirk and I'm not playing here. Seriously, don't fucking patronize me. The final way was to thank me sincerely and to appreciate a person for being a grown up. I like that. You can always tell when someone is being genuine. Oh, and there is a fourth way. Luke always promises to put out if I pay for dinner.

So yeah. I have I have a little advice for the comedian in his communication connundrum. It's perfectly ok to say what you want to the lady in question. If she is giving you mixed signals, just clearly tell her what you want. Nothing wrong with "I totally wanna fuck you." In fact, that's kinda hot. It also opens an opportunity for dialog. If she isn't up for that, then she has an opening to give you news you may not like but at least you know. And she can set parameters, like "Ok, but not without your latex gimp outfit" or "I want to know that you're emotionally invested in this first". Then you can dump her on the floor and run or profess your undying interest in devotion. And then run.

I haven't always been good at being clear about what I want or what I am looking for in a relationship with another person. Usually though, it's not because I'm being coy. I don't do coy very well. It's fake and makes me feel dirty. No, when I'm giving mixed signals it's because I either haven't figured out what I want and how I feel, or I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. And something I figured out from having amazing male friends in my life is that even if they don't get what they want- say I don't feel attracted to them like they do to me- it's best to just be up front about it and take that chance than to confuse, frustrate and ultimately disappoint someone else. And how do you accomplish that? You say "I'm not attracted to you." Yeah, the secret words.

I could see why someone wouldn't want to say that. I mean, here is this neat guy showering you with attention, activities and engaging in dialog. He's doing it because he likes you and hopes you like him too. Or maybe that you'll have sex with him. Whatever, guys don't particularly deal in covert intentions in regards to their relationships with women. If you just get real for a minute once you've figured out what category the guy fits in- friend, friend with benefits, lover, boyfriend, or whatever you've worked out, you owe it to him to let him know. Otherwise, you are lying. And that is what will cause the confusion. And it's decietful to let a guy continue to pay for everything while you know it's not leading everywhere and you're letting him think it is so you can get eat out at Red Lobster. Their food sucks anyway.

Now guys, you have to also give women a little bit of a break. Sometimes we don't know how we feel about you. Maybe you got a unibrow that we're not sure we can live with. Maybe you don't fall into every single one of the match categories we hold in our heads and we need time to figure out how big of a deal that is. "Wait", says the dude, "What are these match categories? Something like tall, handsome, rich, good taste in expensive jewelry with a proclivity for chick flicks?" Yeah, something like that. When women are younger or less mature, we make this impossible list of characteristics we want from men. Lots of times, women will date outside of this- far outside- and end up in unhappy and sometimes abusive relationships because we don't hold out for someone to treat us how we want to be treated. Let's not blame the victim here- abuse is abuse and really there is no way to be 100% sure before committing to a relationship.

Women with a little salt in them know to listen to other women who are way more wise. I know several women who are older than me and they know a lot about relationships and what it means to be a good person. They share what they know and aren't afraid to call me on my shit. Anyway, we revise the fantastic guy requirement list to include fewer superficial things and more substantive ones. We also add what we bring to a relationship and what we can give.

For instance, I need a man who is very laid back because I'm a little on the type A side. I need someone who is very confident because I am somewhat of a know it all. Oh, and a deep and abiding love of coffee is pretty important. And someone who is gregarious enough to handle my introtertedness. In return, I offer a sense of humor, adventurousness, and willingness to say I'm sorry when I'm wrong. And to take Midol when I'm being cranky. And it doesn't hurt that I can cook and am very secure. The point, of course, is to give women a little time to observe you while she spends time with you. Fellas, you might do well to employ the same tactic. I kept a little ticker in my head and by the end of the third date, it was either yes or no for sex. That's probably a little in the overshare category but whatever, you laughed about the latex gimp getup.

Here's the thing: Men smell good but they break easily. Big guys, strong guys, tall guys, fat guys, skinny guys... they all have feelings. They are all someone's child and from first grade right up until he met you at La Baguette for a semi-swanky dinner, that man who smiles so sexy at you has been making fart jokes with his buddies. Men aren't that mysterious and if I'm honest about it, I'm not that mysterious either. And I generally laugh quietly at fart jokes.

Dating has changed. But still, don't be a hooker.