Saturday, May 21, 2011

The End of the World

My imagination has taken flight this week.  I'm anticipating the end of the world.  It should happen today in a matter of hours if Nostradamus or Harold Camping are correct.  So what would happen if the rapture happened today?

First, I imagine a lot of rich people will be left behind and the the poor will begin eating them immediately.  Not because it's necessary, but out of spite.  I'm going to call my friend Mandy so we can loot pharmacies together.  Best to have a buddy along who can handle a shotgun when you're stealing all of the narcotics, Valtrex and antibiotics in a Walgreens for sale and barter on the black market.  I'm keeping all of the Zyrtec for myself though.  Screw you. It's dusty here.  After we hit a few drug stores, it's off to liquor stores if there's anything left.  This is Oklahoma, so I can take my time because nobody is going to go for the good wines.

There are benefits for those left behind.  I mean going to heaven is great and all- hanging out with Jesus, basking in the light of God and flying with angels is what I'm sure people are going for.  I'm more of a "laugh with the sinners" type myself. If I'm not sucked up into the holy spaceship, I'm going to have to make the best of what he have down here.  For one, there will be fewer people and my anxiety about us overpopulating and destroying the earth will be alleviated. So I will sleep better at night.  I won't have worry about defending my dissertation or even paying back my student loans.  Like that second part was even possible.  Instead, I'll just start telling people that I defended the day before the rapture and make them call me "doc", because that seems an appropriate post-apocalyptic moniker. And I will probably start smoking again, also courtesy of Walgreens.

I assume also that we are going to lose power and communications too.  That's ok.  I can live without Facebook.  I charged up my iPod and iPad last night.  So just so you know, if this shit goes down, the last thing I'm going to do is strap my cat my back, pick up a shotgun and walk to Amarillo with my dog.  The cat part might be tricky.  Eleanor doesn't mind just hanging out, but she has a special diet and takes medicine for her little cat tummy.  I'll have to work that part out later because it isn't playing well into the cinema in my head.  Ok, wait, let's revise. I'm going to hijack an awesome vehicle with lots of gas and guns and drive to Amarillo.  I'll pick up my cousin (also good with a gun) and we're heading to Washington state to hang out with the rest of our kinfolk in the mountains like we supposed to.

I'm kind of looking forward to it.  I hope the rapture does happen.  If not, I'm going to be bummed and have to recycle this fantasy for zombie apocalypse and in case society collapses in general.  At least there will be other things to look forward to besides paying back student loans.

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